Bad day

Feeling very agitated today. Not sure why, but I just am. It could be that I have stopped taking my "happy pills" They have side effects that my husband doesn't like and then he is unhappy. So I guess I just feel that I have to pick between 2 lesser evils. The problem is to make him happy one way means making everyone unhappy in a other way. I know I am being mean, I know I am being a nag, but I seem unable to stop. I get unhappy about one thing and then it is a snowball effect. The thing is I don't even know for sure what it was or is that is making me so unhappy. I know I am unhappy and frustrated with myself a lot. My house is too small and in such bad shape and I try to see the bright side of things and be grateful for what I have and know others are in worse shape than I am, but I just get angry. I hate living like this and I swear if one more person tells me to look at the bright side and make due with what I have I will scream. Or if i hear someone say give up one of your luxuries. Let's see, is heat a luxury, how about electricity, maybe food, that for sure is a luxury. Car insurance, that is definitly a waste of money. Who needs it. Rent, who likes paying that.The health insurance my husband pays through work could go. We don't really need to go to the dr.'s. Wait, I got it, the gasoline my husband uses to go to work. We do eat out more than we should and we rent movies. I have internet and we each have a $30 a  month prepaid cell phone. I guess these are all luxuries. We wouldn't die without them.  I make due every day. I shop at the thrift stores, and yard sales. we don't have cable or satelite. I have internet an watch TV online. My husband does buy me craft supplies to try and keep me busy. I try and see the bright side all the time. What I find hard is that nothing seems to change or get brighter. I don't even want to try anymore. I just want to live in my own little bubble and forget the rest of the world even exists. I think if I can keep the outside world at bay at least things won't get any worse. I can handle the now, it is the tomorrow that scares me. I wonder if it is a PTSD thing or if I just really am a miserable, ungrateful person who wants to be handed everything in life. Maybe I really am just lazy and hopeless. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Gotta get back on track. The pity party is over!

Katey day

My 2 girls had off from school the last 2 days. It was presidents day. My son was suppose to have school, but yesterday it snowed here in Pa. and so my son also was home from school. I decided that today I would make it a Katey day. My Mom had asked me yesterday, Monday, if I would go with her on Wednesday to the mall. I decided that Wednesday will be Holly day. So the plans I had today for Katey day was to take her to get her hair thinned out. She has really long beautiful hair, but it is so thick that it was getting almost impossible to brush it, even with her special brush. I took her to the local Empire beauty school, she has had her hair trimmed about twice a year since she was about 6 months old. recently I took 3 inches off the length. 

Everyone at the beauty school had to come over and see the little girl with the long thick hair. Katey tends to be very quiet when she is surrounded by people she doesn't know. She sure does talk a lot though any other time. She would smile and nod her head when they would ask her something or she would look to me for an answer. She just laid back and was really enjoying the girl washing her hair. They asked if they could give her a 60 second conditioning treatment since her hair is so dry. They also said that it helps to prevent splint ends. I said sure. They put it in plus 2 great big handfuls of conditioner. Then she decided that it would be easier to use a comb to get all of the conditioner deep down in. It took about 20 to 30 minutes for them to brush it all the way through her hair. She just sat back with her eyes closed. She looked so relaxed. After they were done doing all of that and had rinsed her hair they took her back to the chair to start thinning her hair. People were still milling around coming to take a look. It took the hair dresser another 30 to 40 minutes to thin out her hair. She had little hair balls all over the floor. Then she took the time to braid it and put it up in a little bun. She looked so cute. I had in the mean time called Bill to see if he was done working. While I was dialing the phone Katey says don't tell Daddy it's me I want him to be surprised. I asked him if he could meet me at the beauty school and he said yes. When he arrived Katey and the hairdresser thought it would be fun to try and play a trick on Bill by telling him they cut 12 inches off of her hair. He didn't fall for it. He told me later that he knew I would never allow them to cut her hair by that much. What a smarty. We went up and paid and then I gave Katey $2 to go and give the girl who cut her hair. The students don't get paid for their work. They only make money if they get tipped. The whole hair cut and conditioning treatment only cost $11. Not bad for all of that work. We left there and took Katey for Chinese food. Her favorite. Then I wanted to run to the craft store and get some beads and other supplies. While there she got a fuzzy poster to color of a horse. She is crazy for horses. We left there and headed for home. Bill still had to run Kyle and a few others to Boy Scouts. She fell asleep for a little in the Jeep, and was a little crabby when she got home. She decided to work on her poster for a little and was very quietly coloring it. Two of the markers broke and I told her not to worry I would get her other ones. It got late so I told her to go to bed, but she started crying saying she was hungry. I let her eat a bowl of cereal, and then again told her to go to bed after she picked up her poster. She turned around and told me she had a terrible day, didn't have fun with me and that she only got to get one thing. Wow, they sure know how to hurt ya. I made her stand with her nose against the wall. Later I put her in my lap and told her how much it hurt me when she said that. I told her I knew why she said it because she didn't want to go to bed and stop coloring her poster. She said yes, and that she was sorry, but she kept crying. She got up again 15 minutes later to wipe her nose and was still crying. I asked her why and she poured out her heart to me saying that the poster she was coloring reminded her of the horse her Gram had and that she had to sell. She loved that horse. She just started crying and crying. She kept saying she misses Coacoa, wants to see her and is afraid she will never see her again. I told her that maybe she would, but she went back to bed, still upset. She did finally fall asleep and that was the end to Katey day. It started great, but didn't end the best. I am sorry her poster made her so sad. It made her think of something that still hurts her so bad. I know how much it still hurts her Gram too. They are kindred spirits those 2. Bonded by their love for horses and their heartbreak over one special horse.