Scared

Finally heard from the unemployment office about the decision to give Bill unemployment. He was denied. When I read that letter I felt like crying, throwing up, screaming, but mostly I just wanted to float away. I want to go to a place where I don't have to deal with any of this. I am so scared. What are we going to do? I mean, it isn't like we were in the best situation to begin with. We have gone from having some money coming in every month to none, none! How do you live without money? We had a few hundred dollars left from our income tax, but we had to use most of it to pay an outstanding electric bill. The roof leaks so bad that I am afraid one of these days it will just fall in or a strong wind will come and it will just tear right off. We once again are behind on our rent. We didn't pay last months and this months is past due. We are 3 months behind on our vehicle payment. Without a car how can he find a job, how can I see all of these Dr.'s I am suppose to see. I am just so tired of dealing with all of it. It always seems like we get out of one mess only to find ourselves in another. I sit here wondering why I wasted so much energy and money 4 months ago to keep us from being evicted when we will once again face the same thing. Why I paid almost $2,000 to keep our lights on last month, only to get them shut off now that we can't pay. Why keep fighting? Why?! I just want to curl up into a ball and give up. wouldn't that be so much easier? I think again about what my life would be like right now if I had never been hurt. I think about whether I could try and find a job. Who would take me? I am a mess. Who would be willing to work around all of my problems? If the job exists I would do it. I feel like this is all my fault. My guilt overwhelms me. I am surely riding the pity train. I wish I had a magic pill that would take me back to that fateful day. The day it all changed. How I wish I could make things different. I am so scared and don't know what to do or how to fix it. I can only see things getting worse from here. It is like I am walking down a long tunnel and there is no light at the other end. I have always tried to be greatful for what  have. When DH worked I was glad for his job even though it wasn't much. As long as most of the bill were paid I could be happy in the knowledge that somehow things would work out. This cloud has no silver lining. It is cold, wet and very dark here and I don't see any way out.