*sigh* tired

I am so very tired tonight. DH and I have spent the last 2 days being very busy. Aside from our normal run the kids here, pick them up there, make them do their chores, cook supper, life kinda stuff we have been running during the day to try and find DH a job. So crazy. Why is it so hard? The bad thing is that my husband's work record is not the best. He has had a lot of jobs and has been fired from a few. In our younger years he would get bored and call off a lot, leave early, be late, just didn't really care. He always seemed to have a hard time settling in. I understood it better later, after we had 3 kids, all who have ADD, all who have some kind of learning disability and the Neuro Dr. told me that when yo have 3 kids with ADD, it comes from somewhere. I don't have it. I always did well in school and I love to read, do it almost every night. Things come pretty easy to me. Neither my DH or I graduated from high school, but I later went on to get my GED, just because. My DH has tried prob 10 times to pass that test and has failed 10 times, even after weeks and sometimes months worth of classes. He just can't do it.The first time they tested him they told him that he read on a 5th grade level. He quit school in the 10th grade. He had gone to a school run by his church and they worked in work books at their own pace and they were just moved to the next grade automatically. He couldn't spell and still can't very well, but his reading has greatly improved. They told him just to read. Read whatever yo want, a car magazine a newspaper, just read and you will get better at it. The last time he took the test he read at almost 12th grade. After my accident, and after he was done care giving for me, he went back to work. Took him awhile to find a job because he had a year gap in employment. He found a seasonal job and then the job he was let go from. He was happy there. He liked the company and he didn't mind the work. He had matured a lot. I think the accident did that for him. He always relied on me to be the bread winner, and that was OK. I LOVED my job and didn't mind working long hours and double shifts. He was great with the kids, so he stayed home and raised them and I worked. After the accident and me being told I couldn't work he found a job and took pride in the fact that he was supporting us. He never complained. he once told me he liked the fact that he knew I wold be at home waiting for him when he came back. When I worked I was gone a lot working. Things were tough for us. I won't lie, money always was and probably always will be an issue for us. However we are both firm believers that money is not happiness. As long as our basics were met we were happy. We love our kids and they are all healthy, we love each other and had been through some very hard times together, but we were happy. Things started to slip though. When you have no savings and live pay check to pay check the way we do, one bad thing can cause an avalanche. That is what happened to us. It starts slow, very slow, just a trickle really. We discovered we had a bad roof. We had no money to get it fixed, so we tried patching it. Our only car broke down. We had no money to get it fixed so we begged other people to get him to work. The plumbing in the house is bad and every time you turn around DH was trying to repair another leaking pipe. We got behind on our bills. Now when I say bills, I don't mean credit card bills, or expensive cell phones are anything like that. I mean the basics, and by the basics I don't mean satellite TV, or the Internet, or long distance phone. I mean rent, electric, and basic telephone and a cheap car payment. That is it, all we had, no TV, none, we had a prepaid cell, no money, no phone, no Internet did without it and soon will be doing without it again, and we only had 1 car. People would say, cut back. On what, breathing? We saved money to get the car fixed, but we needed more money, so we had to take out the car loan. The patched roof got worse, so we patched it again, and so on and so on............................... We just never seemed to be able to get ahead. Just couldn't get away fast enough, something was and is always nipping at our heels, screaming for us to pay attention to it. I wonder sometimes if it isn't punishment? I married young, had a baby young and was lucky enough to marry the love of my life. maybe if you get lucky enough to find "the one" right away then you get punished for it. Maybe you are allowed only so much happiness. You get either money or fame or great looks, or a huge talent, like an artist or musician or you get the love of your life, your perfect other half and because you got the one great thing, the rest suffers. I know life is full of ups and downs, but I just really wish my up would get here. *sigh* I know I complain way too much. I bet everyone must think I am a sour, sad person. Not really true, maybe I only feel the need to write when I am sour and sad. Think I will stop the pity party train and be happy in the now and worry about the tomorrow, tomorrow. Live one day at a time is the only way I can cope right now. I am trying to look at the good things that are in the future. Someone once told me that if you and your spouse quit school the chances are your kids won't finish either. That has always weighed on me. Well, I am proud to announce that in about a month my DS will graduate from high school. I could not be happier and I could not be more proud of him. One down, 2 to go. They will finish even if I have to drive them and sit in class with them, they will finish. I refuse to let my mistakes be revisited on my children.

Scared

Finally heard from the unemployment office about the decision to give Bill unemployment. He was denied. When I read that letter I felt like crying, throwing up, screaming, but mostly I just wanted to float away. I want to go to a place where I don't have to deal with any of this. I am so scared. What are we going to do? I mean, it isn't like we were in the best situation to begin with. We have gone from having some money coming in every month to none, none! How do you live without money? We had a few hundred dollars left from our income tax, but we had to use most of it to pay an outstanding electric bill. The roof leaks so bad that I am afraid one of these days it will just fall in or a strong wind will come and it will just tear right off. We once again are behind on our rent. We didn't pay last months and this months is past due. We are 3 months behind on our vehicle payment. Without a car how can he find a job, how can I see all of these Dr.'s I am suppose to see. I am just so tired of dealing with all of it. It always seems like we get out of one mess only to find ourselves in another. I sit here wondering why I wasted so much energy and money 4 months ago to keep us from being evicted when we will once again face the same thing. Why I paid almost $2,000 to keep our lights on last month, only to get them shut off now that we can't pay. Why keep fighting? Why?! I just want to curl up into a ball and give up. wouldn't that be so much easier? I think again about what my life would be like right now if I had never been hurt. I think about whether I could try and find a job. Who would take me? I am a mess. Who would be willing to work around all of my problems? If the job exists I would do it. I feel like this is all my fault. My guilt overwhelms me. I am surely riding the pity train. I wish I had a magic pill that would take me back to that fateful day. The day it all changed. How I wish I could make things different. I am so scared and don't know what to do or how to fix it. I can only see things getting worse from here. It is like I am walking down a long tunnel and there is no light at the other end. I have always tried to be greatful for what  have. When DH worked I was glad for his job even though it wasn't much. As long as most of the bill were paid I could be happy in the knowledge that somehow things would work out. This cloud has no silver lining. It is cold, wet and very dark here and I don't see any way out.